Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Dare I post this?

I wrote the following post this morning after a rough night: 8:20AM
I dare not post this live, I’ll wait for an outcome, then pray to release or not.

My wife Kim is 11 weeks pregnant. She started spotting last night and we are scared. In 1999 the same thing happened, about the same time, and we lost the baby.

We’ve been married for 11 years and have been through a barrage of crap and hardships. Kim is bipolar and it took us about 8 years to figure that out. Financial woes and bad decisions have plagued our marriage and it has done A LOT to make us strong. We are more in love today than ever before.

Things have been going fairly well lately and when we found out about the pregnancy my first instinct was not to tell anybody until after the first trimester. I wanted to make sure this was going to happen. From the first experience I saw what happens during a miscarriage.

Some don’t get the message and keep asking how far along you are. Some who do find out ask for the next year, “So, how are you doing? Are you ok?” This only brings up more feelings of hurt and pain. Others say things like, “God is in control.” Or “You never know what could have happened, the baby may have had a birth defect, God knows what He’s doing, just trust Him.” OK, that’s supposed to make me and Kim go, “AHHH Sweet! Yeah, that’s it! God knows best. We’re COOL with that. Let’s go get a latte!”

Add all this to the fact that it is a major loss of life to us. We’ve been waiting on this.

Right now, I don’t know whether to hope, prepare, cry (done a little of that already) or just wait. I do know I have PRAYED. I pray for health and safety. I’m not praying for God’s will, I’m praying God will make His will that this baby will be OK. I’m thinking, “God, come on, make this happen. Why do we have to go through this again?”

I know all the answers, but sometimes knowledge isn’t enough. I need a God of relationship who can hold me when I cry and say just what I need to hear. I need God who will comfort my hurting, crying wife who feels it is somehow her fault.

Whatever the outcome, I have no idea if I will ever post this. I’m not writing to teach, rant, rave, and emotionally unload. This is life. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes it’s great. I just hope this one turns out great.

*Current: We just got back from the Dr. and Kim miscarried. We're going back this afternoon for the DNC. If you pray, please do so for us, especially for Kim.


April Girl said...

I'm sorry to hear this. Nothing I say would make your situation any better, but I just felt like sharing my thoughts with you on this, never give up faith.
God listens to you when you pray, so always do. He says pray to me and I shall answer.
I hope you and your wife Kim are doing ok, it is very difficult, I know, support each other, be there for one another and you will get through this. And yes, God does know better, so just put your trust in Him and never blame yourselves on matters that you have no control over. I'm not saying go around blaming Him!
But what I just wanted to say was that if certain things were not meant to be then just leave them at that.
Take care and God bless you.

Jim S. said...

I am praying for you and your wife. Words fail me at a time like this in words of consolation and in my prayers. Luckily we serve a God who understands our prayers even when we don't know what to say....

Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

If you ever want to get a latte, let me know.

A fellow Youth Pastor in SC.
Jim S.

Renee said...

I will be praying for you and your wife. I have been through the heartache of miscarriage and my heart aches for you.

Going to the John said...

we have been down this road 6 times in the past 10 years and still no child, you and yours are in my thoughts....

Rick said...

the only ones who'll "understand" are those who've gone thru it, and your youth group kids - they'll hurt with you, and be as uncertain as you guys.

call us when you get a chance. hope things are going... through.

JennyLynn said...

Dear Jeff and Kim:

Cry out to the Lord. Grieve. Weep tears long into the night. Your Heavenly Father knows your pain....and He will give you hope.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord....."

Crying with you in your loss,


Tricia said...

I am SO very sorry for you. I have been there (5 years ago) and just last week I came to a realization of something wonderful and so precious in my life that happened as a direct result of going through something so very sad and heartbreaking. Sometimes it is so very hard to trust...but I believe everything does happen for a reason.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Blake said...

Know that I'm lifting up your family in my prayers, my friend. That's all I know to do.

Pastor John said...

Just browsing blogs at random and came across this post. I just spent a few minutes praying for you and your wife. As the song says, "Still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord."