Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Struggle: What I Should Be Vs. What I Am

Preface: I wrote this recently while struggling through some family, job related, and personal issues of faith. God is providing so much right now through our immediate and church families. We are very grateful. Kim will be going through surgery this Friday and I will be taking a few weeks off to be hubby and daddy. Please pray for us and HE directs our path. Thanks.

So 2011 has started off with a bang (from a 2x4. I feel like Chris Farley asking David Spade about the red mark across my face in Tommy Boy). There are so many uncertain things right now. I KNOW God has it under control. It's all in His hands, but what I feel in my heart and follow with my mind is far from knowing He's got this. I struggle with uncertainty, fear, what-if's and might-have-been's. I fight with my own shortfalls of not trusting.

So here are my options.

1. Fake It.
Pretend and try to convince myself everything is alright. Act like it, refuse to think about negative outcomes, and just "leave it to the Loh-ard!! Dontworrybehappynow!! Put on my happy face because I'm happy and I know it and I'm gonna shout to the lord because I can only imagine when I lift Your name on high what a day of rejoicing that will be...
Yeah, I can't fake it. I would love to appear spiritual and mature, but I would rather be real and transparent.

2. Embrace it.
Take my lumps. Blame it on myself or everyone else. Become the suffering psudo-servant martyr and waller in self loathing and pity. I'm really good at this sometimes. GLOOOOM, DISPAIR, and AGONY ON ME... WOOOOAAAAAHHHHHH (yeah, how many Hee-Haw fans in da house wootwoot SAAAA-LUTE!!)

3. Accept It.
It is what it is. These issues are transitions in life that include every aspect of my being. It will effect my family, friends, future, and, and, and (dangit, I can't figure out another "f")...
FAITH!!!! Yeah, that's it. FAITH!!!
I enjoy asking people about God telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac in Genesis 22.
God is all knowing, right?
God knew the outcome of Abraham's decision, Right?
Then why did He ask Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?
To see what Abraham would do? NOPE
TO see what Isaac would do? NOPE
Just to play with Abraham's head and freak him out? Maybe...
The test was not so God could see what Abraham would do. He already knew. It was so Abraham could see what Abraham would do. God brought Abraham to a major crisis of complete trust, and he passed the test. It made him the father of a nation (father Abraham had many sons and many sons had father Abraham, shake a leg, wave a hand, lalalala).
For those not knowing the outcome of Genesis 22, you should read it. PLEASE READ IT... NOW!!!

So, this is my process. I go through all three options, back and forth and back again. I don't know what the future holds. I'm concerned, a little worried, nah, outright scared. In the back of my mind and heart I know it will all work out, but I'm ready for it to get out of the back of my mind and heart and take over all of me. God's promises do so much more that come to pass, they transform me into the image of Jesus. It's time for me to stop fighting the transformation and let God put me to the test.