Monday, August 1, 2005

Best and Worst Actors of 2005

This came from one of my amazing students. THe Credit goes to Cliff. I laughed HARD. Enjoy.

Now presenting for the first time anywhere ... The Best and Worst actors and actresses of 2005 thus far ... on the 'worst scale' 5 is less worse and 1 is the worst of all. And on the 'best scale' 5 is the least best and 1 is the best of all.

Let's get started ... I'm kind of excited ... maybe not ...

The Best of 2005 ...

5. Scarlett Johansson (The Island)

She is ... wow ... Well done Scarlett ... Well done. I really want to give you the highest title because you're so ... wow ... but you haven't really acted in many movies that were actually good ... but a thousand cool points for being you.

4. Johnny Depp (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)

And no acting training at all ... and of course you're an even cooler pirate, so that earns you at least a thousand cool points ... you've recovered well from 'Edward Scissorhands' and 'Blow' ...

3. Nicole Kidman (The Interpreter)

Awesome job in 'The Interpreter' ... it was good stuff ... all around great ... except 'Bewitched' almost lost you a spot in 'the best' and earned you a spot on 'the worst' ... but 'Cold Mountain' and 'Eyes Wide Shut' were amazing.

2. Will Smith (Hitch)

Funniest movie of the year ... by far ... (haven't seen 'wedding crashers' yet) Just take down a note to self ... stop rapping, I suck at it ... But you're still awesome because 'I Robot' was grand.

1. A tie between Dakota Fanning (War of the Worlds) and Ewan McGregor (Robots, Star Wars, and The Island)

Good job ... 3 hit movies thus far ... and of course you're Obi Wan ... so that's like a thousand cool points. Also ... grand job in 'Moulin Rouge' and of course 'Big Fish' ... but no cool points for those.

Dude ... you're like 10 and you're a major actress who plays roles opposite people like Denzel Washington, Robert DiNero and Tom Cruise... you rock my face off ... four thousand cool points for being so amazing ... also ... incredible freaking job in 'Hide and Seek' and 'Man on Fire' ... and of course talking like you're 30 in interviews.

And now ... the Worst of 05 thus far ... ( I love that word 'thus' ) It was definately more fun doing the worst of 05.

The Worst of 2005 ...

5. Will Ferrell

You're such a funny guy ... but 'Kicking and Screaming' and 'Bewitched' stick to straight slap-stick comedy ... like ... 'Anchorman' but not 'Old School' ... a thousand cool points for 'Anchorman' but a thousand lost for 'Old School' ... better luck later on.

4. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Yeah adultery isn't cool ... and who runs around on Jennifer Aniston??? ... and if you want people to go to your movies don't pull crap like this ... just be yourselves ... act ... if you act, they will come ... Brad you were great in 'Legends of the Fall' and of course 'Oceans 11' ... Angelina ... what can I say ... you were never good at anything except incest.

3. Tom Cruise

No such thing as 'chemical imbalances' ... you're a moron ... I thought you were great ... 'Top Gun' ... 'Jerry Maguire' ... 'Samurai' ... and then scientology crap totally took over ... get a pen and paper ... note to self ... never yell at Matt Laur, he's smarter than me ... good luck Katie, marrying that psycho-billy ninja is going to be a crazy ride.

2. Hayden Christensen

Episode 3 was definately an improvement for you from Episode 2 ... but man ... awful ... 'Life as a House' great job ... 'Shattered Glass' not so much ... maybe you have the Star Wars curse ... but hey ... still a thousand cool points for being Darth Vader.

1. Jude Law

Come on! ... You had 3 chances ... and bombed all three ... That makes you the worst actor of 2005 ... listen ... take some time off ... read some scripts ... and then make an informed decision ... because you were great in 'Cold Mountain' and of course 'Enemy at the Gates' ... note to self ... stop fooling around with the nanny ... you lose a thousand cool points.

And now I have to put in one last horrible actor ... because let's face it ... it's easier to bash them than encourage them ...

The Worst Actor of ALL TIME is ...

Keanu Reeves

'Constantine'? ... are you serious? ... and of course you just annoy me ... so that earns you the title of 'Worst Actor of ALL TIME' ... congratulations ... stop acting ... Also: 'The Matrix' wasn't even that good.

ok guys ... I've given you my opinion on the best and worst actors of 2005 thus far ... give some feedback ... especially if you disagree ... because I could be horribly wrong and not realize it until you say something ...


Smoking Tongue said...

Nice list. I have to agree with just about all your comments! (I think you could have put Ben Stiller up next to Will Farrel)

I mean, has he been in ANY serious movie?

Jim S. said...

I agree. Ben Stiller is the worst. Ug. I've never liked ANY of his movies. He just annoys me.

I agree with the list EXCEPT I liked the Matrix. It, as your the list said earlier about someone else, "Rocked my face off". Though I never saw it in the theater for 2 reasons 1) It had Keanu Reeves in it and 2) Star Wars Episode 1 was out.

Nice list. Very Funny!

Anonymous said...

man this list is grand

Renee said...

Ummmmm Will Ferrell ROCKS!

Ash Sere said...

Nah, it's all wrong, except for the bit about that Dakota girl, christ, I sawa her interviewed recently, she was at least 30!

She'll be in rehab within the year...

Natalie said...

You are so right.

Angelina Jolie is wretched. Did you have the misfortune to watch 'Tomb Raider'?? YUCK!